connecting*the*dots

We’ve all had those 20 minutes pillow conversations with our significant other about naming our first born. No matter how serious the relationship is at the time, we’ll argue to the point of breaking up over the sanctity of an unborn baby’s name. For some reason, it seems that celebrities don’t have the same problems.

Earlier this year, Gweneth Paltrow and that Coldplay dude had a baby and named her Apple. How sweet (and so very chic). Not to be outdone, Nick Cage and his other half named their newborn Kal-El; the Krypton name of Superman. The funny thing is that the first thing my mind raced to wasn’t an image of Kal-El’s future lunchroom fist fights (oh, there will be fights), but that Nick Cage always wanted to be the father of Superman.

Who doesn’t?

Well now the celebrity name machine has taken a backseat to a regular Joe (actually, a regular Walid). Walid Elias Kai, a big time fan of the products and services that Google produces, has named his newborn son, yep you guessed it, Google. For some reason his wife Carol, the one who suffered 9 months and God knows how many hours to deliver this kid, didn’t object. Now Google Kai has his very own website, one that has already been spidered by Google. I’m sorry, but that list sentence kinda creeped me out.

But there is a downside to Google’s incarnation as a child:

• What happens if Google (the company) turns out like Lycos?
• You just know the other kids aren’t going to let him play Hide and Seek.
• His mom will probably pimp him out on the gameshow circuit (can you imagine the results on Jeopardy!?)
• Future intimate relationships are bound to result as a bunch of clusterfucks.

Okay, that last one was too geeky and cruel. I mean, one day the kid is bound to Google himself… Google himself? Eh.

I wish Google all the best. He doesn’t realize it right now, but his name has raised the hopes and dreams of men all around this nation and the world. I mean, there’s now an actual chance that some guy in Ohio will be able to
name his kid Tivo, while a lad in Ireland is now hopped up on naming his kid Guinness. They’re not alone. I’m praying that Google raised my chances to name my firstborn
after my biggest role model from my childhood: Freeman McNeil.

C’mon, don’t even try to tell me that Freeman Coon doesn’t have a sweet ring to it!

UPDATE: Since I posted this, it has been brought to my attention that "Freeman Coon" might be a bit messed up due to the slanderous connotations of my last name in the deep south. My response? Well, I guess that depends on your perspective.