connecting*the*dots

damn…
the months have just crawled on by
i thought time was really going to fly
all i keep hearing in my head
is myself telling me to get the lead
out of my system
i’ve got 32 years of wisdom
that tells me you’re not going to call
not going to show your face at all
but for some reason i keep putting my smarts on the back shelf
refusing to move on
i got swingeritis
my love jones long from being long gone
so now i sit in the dark
in my shorts and t-shirt and week old socks
drinking oj from the carton
staring at my pet turtle’s rocks
i keep wondering why you left me
i know
it’s a pathetic sight
but moving on without that closure
is like a lewis-tyson fight
no mas
i’m beat
i keep thinking about what could’ve been
and then i remember what i consider to be a true friend
one that doesn’t split town when things get tough
one that supports you when times are rough
one that shares laughter as well as the tears
one that supplies courage when all that’s left is fear
man this shit is ridiculous
i feel like i’m dropping a hallmark card
found in the “missing you” category
i’m such a fucking retard
i guess it’s time i turn on the lights and open the window a crack
breathe in the fresh air and forget the things i lack
the one that i miss up in the comforts of good ol’ mass
but it’s time i sip from my own cup
and drink my oj from a glass

rolling over the lump of bed that was once you
i wipe my eyes and set up the groove
kick on the slips
hit the head
jump in the shower thinking about my bed
scrub a dub dub
moving on through the morn
it’s the norm
how else do you move on from a dream to reality?
how else do you find a new cup of tea?

stepping down the stairs to the platform below
moving through the morning crowd
the world is passing on by
rumbling and loud
silent and strong
the distance is so long
between where i am and where i once was
or is that just my perception
lost in the reflection of her eyes
the woman sitting in front of the rail map
the woman reading yoga 101: stretch or feel like crap
the woman yapping about her dog’s flee’s
the woman looking back straight through me…
i don’t know anymore
i admit i’m a bit lost
i’m afraid i think too much to keep my sanity at any cost
what i do know is that this is my stop
so i have to get off

as i passed by her spirit
i made it to the other side
the rocks told my soul to rest
when i sat down
leaning against the ancient formation
a hawk glided by
wings spread wide
floating on the breeze brought by the rotation of the earth
there was no longer a "she" with me
i had laid her image to rest
and lept onto the back of the hawk
determined to see into the distance
into the future
to recognize the path laid before me
one that can handle the obsticles of my desires
and the pitfalls of my best laid plans

riding on the back of the hawk
i can see myself below
moving on
she is no longer with me
and i’m alright with that
like a cut on your hand
we heal in time
as have i
it’s a pretty amazing process
this coagulation of the heart

looking up i watch the hawk cut through the air
circling it’s prey far below
preparing to move in for the kill

look
i know that we’re not together
i realize that it’s hard to be friends
i recognize that you’re trying to move on
i can see that we’re both on the mends
but i also thought we could go through this together
i truly believed we were that tight
was i really that far in the dark
while you held fast in the light?
i don’t mean to bother
and i certainly don’t mean to guilt
but i’m starting to feel left out in the breeze
like a scottsman in his kilt
maybe it’s just a maturity thing
even though you are mature beyond your years
maybe you don’t want to look me in the eyes
confirming your own worst fears
that
we were once made for each other
sure, things like that often change
but friendships are hard to come by
no matter the distance or the range
maybe one day you’ll feel like giving me a call
you know, a shout from out of the blue
but don’t be surprised if i’m not at home
missing as if on cue
i thought i knew what we had together
as bedfellows can come and go
an intimate friend was what i thought i’d found
but i guess i’ll never really know

i remember the day i saw you for the first time
how you danced with the wind
swayed as a matter of fact
i knew in that instant my heart was jacked
stolen.
lost forever
caught in the breeze you controlled with ease.
why try to fight what you can’t control?
so i gave in to my desires
and i gave in to the moment
i was weak
i was in need of closure
trying to wrap it up in a ball
and toss it to the curb
to lose the jones for her touch once again
i needed to move on
one thing i knew for sure
is that i needed closure
then you started to sway in the midst of my gust
i must have been crazy to let on the need i had for you
how did i let myself fall?
why couldn’t i deal with my shit first before involving someone like you?
a sweet soul, tender to the touch
good to the core…
i tried to ring you in
i tried to have it all
you and all of my insecurities abound…
i knew better
but became intoxicated by your touch
your smell
your being
and now that i have buried my past with her
you are no more
but a moment of bliss
is better than a lifetime of remiss
so i’ll take the tryst
with blood clenched fists
i’ll move on and resist
the thought of your kiss

it’s funny how you often get what you ask for
it smacks you in the face
wakes you up to the fact
that no matter what you think you know
you’re still just a part of the human race
not a step above
nor a rung below
just one of the many
fidgeting in the spotlight of the show
damn that light can get hot
it’ll make you want to jump aside with the quickness
like rolling on deck with sea sickness
your legs can begin to quake
shake
baked
in the heat of the show
you can’t stand to stay
but are too afraid to go
so as the options seem to shrivel
and your dissertations turn to drivel
you simply end up back to where you started…
you’re all alone

I’m free now to direct a movie,
sing a song or write a book
about yours truly.
How I’m so interesting, and I’m so great,
but I’m really just a fuck up.
It’s such a waste
to burn down these walls around me,
flexin’ like a heartbeat.
I don’t like to speak.
Don’t talk to me for about a week.
I’m sorry, it just hurts to explain.
There’s something going on that makes my guts ache.
I got guilt.
I got fever.
I got regret.
I’m such a panic-stricken waste.
I’m such a jerk.
I was honest,
I swear.
The last thing I’d ever do . . .
Honest, I swear,
the last thing I want to do is ever cause you
pain . . . . .

- Mark Sandman

days go on and i start to drift
finding my way home through the mist
i imagine her face
i imagine her kiss
she was once in my arms telling me how our love would last
now my arms feel empty
my heart is hungry
but it’s time to fast
i walk through my daze with a purpose of pushing on
gotta remain positive
have to be strong
but my best friend is gone
and i’m left trying to get along

i remember a time when your smile would do me in
lost in the grace
found in your face
the fairest of fair skin
but you see i have this problem
and it has lived with me for so long
it’s not one that can be described
in a poem or a muted song
it feels like a burden
something that’s found on my minds eye
but when i try to focus
i lose sight
and tear up a cry
not a sob
or a concocted moan
but a gutfelt roar
because i’ve treated another lady in my life
like a twisted out, two dollar whore
someone loved me once…
and i thought i needed more

i could be the one for you
i could change the way you need me to
i could find the words to bring you back
i could lose my mind to smack
i could go over the edge today
i could see your breath in may
i could look into your eyes
i could force out all the lies
i could sleep soundly at night
i could scream out with fright
i could chase you down and hold you
i could weep until i’m blue
i could leave well enough alone
i will.

i walk through the grass
i see you up ahead
am i dreaming?
am i dead?
wishing to see you once more
this is how i go
this is how i breathe
this is how i survive
i’m still alive
before you i didn’t have a heart worth breaking
now all i can do is stop from shaking
last night i thought we were there
today i’m pulling out my hair
but i don’t mind the breeze
from my new fangled do
i’m getting unwrapped
from the zoo of you
and me
finally free
yeah right
i’m putting up the good fight
my shit’s getting somewhat tight
but then in comes that dreaded ring
the sting
of your smile
the smell
of your perfume
i start singing my old tune…
i’m lost in you

where to begin when life takes a turn
never knowing up or down
the stomach begins to churn
on a bit of indecision
and a taste of free choice
thinking all the time you’re screaming
when you’ve all but lost your voice
they say the grass is greener…
shit, the grass ain’t even real
a figment of your imagination
when you’re tripping on the deal
of the cards
the roll of the dice
walking tall one day
sticking to your own advise
then down it all comes
the world you once knew
you start searching for answers left and right…
remember to keep looking within you.